Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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