New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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