I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So apparently I’m into choking now
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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