Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
