My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
