went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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