Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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