i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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