What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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