Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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