my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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