our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Two words: nipple clamps
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