the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
