I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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