True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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