the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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