I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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