Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
