You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
