she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
