so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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