So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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