I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
