he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
