I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we made out on top of his cat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize