I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
