and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
