I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
