What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
