and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a search helicopter?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
