I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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