The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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