Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
