my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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