this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
