Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
