Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
