Will you blow on my dice?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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