If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
