you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
