I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
