My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found your dick twin last night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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