Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
