Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
