I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
