another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
