Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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