I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
