Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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