one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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