Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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