Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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