Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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