is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
