the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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