The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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