I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
