Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
